Football headlines we'd like to see...

Jose Mourinho Eats Burger

Jose Mourinho allegedly left Stamford Bridge early for a McDonalds to eat a burger. Symptomatic of the decaying relations between Mourinho and Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich is the fact that Mourinho did not invite Abramovich.

Although the contents of the burger are not known, the price is rumoured to be around 100 Million Dollars. Could this be Mourinho's new signing? Stamford Bridge refused comment.

However, when contacted, Jose Mourinho said, "We are good.. so we eat burger.. others drink soup."

Roman Abramovich said, "I feel hurt that Jose ate a burger without inviting me and the rest of the team.."

No Shorts for Number 7!

Sources at Old Trafford said that there arent any shorts that fit United Number 7, Cristiano Ronaldo. Allegedly, a clause in the Portuguese winger's new contract states that he will get all his shorts from a different source than United's sponsor - Nike.

Whether this could be a clue as to Ronaldo's poor eating habits, we do not know.

Captain Gary Neville issued the following statement, "Bollocks".

Fabregas suffers from vision impairment

Arsenal Coach, Arsene Wenger, admitted that Spanish Midfielder Francesc Fabregas suffers from vision impairment. Wenger said on friday night, "Zis is a really big problam for ze squad. Cesc is not able to zee very cleaarly. Zis resulted in him putting ze ball in his own net against Reading at ze Emirates Stadium."

Fabregas is determined to fight off his impairment. The Spanish International said, "Paul Scholes had a problem with his eye sight. I'm not as good as Paul Scholes, but I will try..."

Paul Scholes meanwhile said, "Eh?"